35 & Counting



Well, dad, it does seem like it was just yesterday.

Hmmm.  February 15th was my 35th birthday.  What to think, what to do, what to say?  Well in my wisdom, I have figured out there is a negative correlation between getting older and thinking my parents are crazy.  Have you?  My dad has always said nostalgic things like "It was just like yesterday when you were small" or "Life goes by in just a blink of the eye." and I used to shrug it off as an old person statement or simply shrug it off.  But not now.  Now I catch myself saying those things on occasion and most definitely thinking them.   I think back about my parents and remember them getting so peeved about me not going to sleep.  And now I get it.  Ohhhhh do I get it.  I realize my parents were just like me.  As a child I allowed them no room for mistakes from the pedestal I placed them on. Now I clearly see they were people who were comical, fun, and enjoyed being parents.  They were human and flawed, normal and (for the most part) sane.  It's an amazing thing when your life comes full circle.  Seeing things from your parents' perspectives is so life changing.  It's especially funny that what you couldn't see for a lifetime can become visible in a matter of just a few months or even minutes. 

When Margaux turned three, I started an early mid-life crisis.  I can't believe the little human that was non-existent yesterday is no doubt a child now and no longer a baby or toddler today.  Then Steve Jobs passed away and I was bombarded with all these inspirational quotes that made me feel incredibly unsatisfied and lazy and I thought I was just going to cry.  But seriously, chew on this one.  No, really chew on it.  Think about it and think about your life.  That one didn't move you?  Try this one.  Steve Jobs was only 56 when he passed away.  Knowing he felt fulfilled when I didn't had me in a tailspin.  Pair that with suddenly losing a close friend you feel is still so young and: VOILA!  Mid-life crisis.  So what to do?  Oh Lord, I dunno, but it's gonna be something.  Stay tuned.

Facebook is not where it's at.

What a sweet, dear friend I lost.

I recently lost a good friend.  It was sudden and unexpected.  It has been hard.  But what made me most displeased about the situation (besides losing said friend) was that someone with good intentions made the comment that I was "putting it out there" that I was grieving.  I say good intentions because I think this person was trying to check on me and see how severely upset and/or depressed I was, but what exactly does "putting it out there" mean?  Does it mean that I'm wrong for saying "Lost a dear friend today and am heartsick I didn't make more time to spend with him. Please keep the love of his life in your prayers." the same day he passed away or "Having a rough time of it. Little prayers, please, friends."  48 hours later?  I really didn't consider myself being too transparent or public about one of the moments when I hurt the deepest.  I simply thought it was what one could expect from a Facebook friend that is suffering the loss of a close friend.    That being said, I found myself unintenionally filtering any pain, grief, anger, frustration, annoyance and misery I might have experienced.  It has now been over two months and I'm still feeling down and out, stressed, mentally fatigued, and sad.  But I no longer feel comfortable placing my true feelings online.  At least not on Facebook.  So I started this blog.  This blog will be me unfiltered.  I will not care about voicing my political feelings, my personal feelings, my religious feelings, and certainly not my human feelings.  This blog may be a good recipe or it could be a good rant.  Regardless, I plan on making this my complete and total outlet for sanity preservation.  Here goes.